Where Have I Been?: Part 1

Okay. I will attempt to explain my recent absence.

40% of my absence was due to laziness. (Brutal honesty. That's what I'm about here.)
25% of my absence was due to baby business. (This evening's topic.)
25% of my absence was due to church planting business. (Lots of denial, sin exposure, and waves of terror to report on there. Should be good.)
and
10% of my absence was due to other, less serious things that come with pictures.

Okay. So, baby business. This will not be as light-hearted as I would like it to be. While I can laugh at some things now, other things are still very hard and hurtful, and trying to be funny about it just seems stupid. So here's the real deal.

Starting in mid-January I started the first of 3 consecutive rounds of Femara (my Clomid-like fertility drug.) This drug, while surprisingly unsuccessful in assisting my body in getting pregnant, is fantastically successful in making me a basketcase. Generally the month goes like this: On days 4-8 of my cycle I take my little Femara pill. Around day 5 or 6, the crazy starts to set in. I'm very moody. Almost depressed. I have virtually no ability to handle any negative situation. Lots of tears. Lots of tantrums. Lots of "CASEY! I need you to come deal with this RIGHT NOW!" And more seriously, lots of doubting and bitterness and jealousy. But then around day 9 or 10, I start to come around and I remember that I am not insane, that I do love the Lord and my family and that I do enjoy things other than sleeping. So, for about two lovely weeks, peace and normalcy are restored to the household. Just around the time I'm ready to throw down some cash on pregnancy tests, crazy returns. It's PMS times 100. And then of course, adding insult to injury, there's the negative prego test (or the middle finger, as Casey and I unaffectionately call it). It's a long, hard day for me and for Casey. You would think after so many negative tests it would get easier. Somehow, it doesn't.

Anyway, this was round 1. And if I remember correctly, I think round 2 was significantly less crazy. I attribute it to my Valentine's Love posts. I really should have kept those goin'...given myself a little perspective....reminded myself of the countless tender mercies that are new each day...yes, this would have been profoundly beneficial...cause mid-February I started round 3 and a whole new level of crazy came 'round and it lasted THE. WHOLE. MONTH.

Round 3 was awful. And I think I've figured out what is so hard about the drugs. It's this...you know who you are off the drugs, but then you get ON the drugs and you can't quite remember being the person you enjoyed being. The crazy seems SO REAL. You spend the month thinking and believing that you're a sad, depressed person, that you don't like to do things, that your faith is empty, that you're a bad mother and a 1000 other lies that seem so very real. And even though I KNOW I'm on the medicine and I KNOW it makes me crazy, there is still something in me that wonders, "Maybe this is who I really am?" And then...while I'm trying to sort out what is true and what is not, there is one current truth that never fades or wavers or rests: I desperately want a baby and I cannot have one.

So, unfortunately, that's where I've been. That is much of the reason I was away from the blog and emails and the computer in general. I wasn't myself. The Lord and I have done a lot of wrestling over this and other things. I felt that it was best to just stay quiet for a while.

I have been off the meds this month, and am doing well. I can, once again think Biblically about our situation, which is wonderfully reassuring. The Lord loves me. He knows what is best. I trust Him. This is His Kingdom, not mine. It's good to think clearly again.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
therefore I will hope in Him.
Lamentations 3:22-24

He has been patient with me these last months. Despite my hard heart, He has been relentless in calling me back to Himself. I cannot escape Him. And I will never be able to thank Him enough for that.

The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
Psalm 121:8

april: sunny, with a chance of blogging

dear reader,
there's been a bit of dry spell here at the beautiful meantime.
march was completely blogless.
i know.
unacceptable.
forgive me.
not sure what my deal is.
but here's my promise to you...
i WILL definitely try much harder,
to think about getting on my computer more often,
to SHOWER you with lovely blog posts.
okay...shower you with blog posts.
er...okay...shower you with blog post.
(don't want any crazy expectations floating around out there ;)
no, but really, i will.
i will definitely try to think about that.

just not tonight.
cause I'm a little tired.
and a girl can't just slap something up after being gone for six weeks.
how disappointing for her readers!

but really...I miss you.
if you're still out there...
thanks for waiting.
i'm certain that an actual blog is coming soon.
yours truly,
steph

The Giveaway Results

I said Saturday morning, didn't I?

Hmmm. Lied, didn't I? Sorry 'bout that. I went to hear the Hubs speak this morning at a Disciple Now and then had to run a couple of errands, so...that's the reason for the delay. Alright, let's get to it!

The items...minus the gift card. The winner has to tell me whether she prefers iTunes or Amazon.

names, names, names. 36 in all.

cut, cut, cut

fold, fold, fold

shake, shake, shake

*AND THE WINNER IS.....

Congratulations, Mandy Sieja!

Mandy is a sweet friend from Brenham. I love this girl! So sweet. Always ready for a playdate. And funny, funny, funny!
Plus...I think this worked out perfectly, cause Mandy just had a baby...and if I just had a baby...I would want to be relaxing in my bath bomb bath, listening to David Gray and snacking on some gummy cokes. Sounds like a brilliant mommy-moment to me!

Alright, Mrs. Mandy...just comment or email me whether you would rather have a gift card to iTunes or Amazon. And, if it's okay, I would like to deliver your gift personally!...Any excuse for a trip to Brenham! :)

To the rest of my giveaway contestants...
**Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You're far to kind!
I had a blast reading your comments, and it was so fun to see who's been reading. Thanks for all your encouragement, your thoughtful responses, and thanks for playin' along! We'll have to do it again sometime!

Don't be a stranger, y'all! :)

* Denotes sections of the post that should be read in the deep Oprah "You're all getting a new caaaaaaaaar!" voice.
** Denotes sections of the post that should be sung like the Jay-Z song.
What?!
Yeah...I know Jay-Z songs.
I'm cool. I'm hip.

Tiny Confession

See, what had happen was...

Well, I was doing the dishes. And I was feeling a little sleepy, cause it's sooooo quiet in here, cause Casey is away at a meeting right now and Braelyn's asleep. Plus, also...it was like 10:00 and I was really regretting not doing the dishes earlier cause by 10:00 I don't want to be working anymore. So dish duty was feeling super chore-ish. Anyways, I just got to thinking a little bit...about the gummy cokes that I bought for the giveaway today. And I just thought...you know?...that maybe just like 2 gummy cokes would help me to do the dishes.

So I might have...maybe...taken out only like 2 gummy cokes. And ate them.

Okay three.

FOUR!

Okay FIVE! That's it! FIVE gummy cokes.

I know. I am so ashamed. They were so chewy and delicious. UGH! And what's worse is that the dishes are STILL not done! I had to stop doing them to come confess this to you.So yes...I stole Giveaway gummy cokes. I am so sorry and I assure you that this will not happen again. I WILL practice self-control in this matter even though the gummy cokes are going to be in my possession for 3 more days! I know I can do it.

Now, I will go tuck the gummy cokes safely away and return to the dishes. Thank you for your forgiveness. You are such good readers...and I do HAVE to say...WOW! Your comments have been amazing! Y'all are the sweetest! Really! I don't deserve you. But, you know...keep 'em coming! I just learned that blogger allows for 5000 comments per post, so no need to hold back.

Phew. Glad to have that off my chest.

What?! You haven't entered the Giveaway, yet? Oh, go here!

(And really...it was no more than six. Promise.)

So...I Love a Couple More Things

I LOVE...
1. a GIVEAWAY! This giveaway will, without a doubt be the best giveaway you've ever seen!! Tons and tons of my favorite things. Okay...3 favorite things actually. The giveaway will include:

- an iTunes gift card (or amazon gift card) for $10 for you to purchase David Gray's Draw the Line album which I love and you will love too. I promise! It is AWESOME and is one of my very favorite things!

(Okay...so you don't really HAVE to buy this album with your gift card should you be the winner...but really...why would you not? That would be so foolish and is not even worth discussing further!)

- a couple of bath bombs from LUSH. These little babies are an explosion of luxury in your bath and a new favorite thing! My mom-in-law gave me some for Christmas and now my bath is not complete without one! So...really, I just need to get some more for myself, so I thought I'd toss a few into the giveaway while I was at it! :)

- finally, your gift will include a bag of Gummy Cokes. What?! They're delicious!
Justin Hyde is to blame for getting me hooked on these yummy gummies. When we were over at his house for New Year's Eve, he had a ginormous bag of gummy cokes and I...well...I probably ate my weight in gummy cokes. I think that officially earns them a spot on the favorite things list.

There ya go. That's the giveaway.
It's blowing your mind, isn't it?!

I LOVE...
2. my readers A LOT! and I especially love it when they comment!
What?! Don't look at me that way!

Yeah...this is a shameless attempt for comments. So what?!

If you have a blog you love comments, too! Don't try to deny it!

Anyways...now that I'm done being accused of begging for comments...I would like to ask you nicely to leave a comment. How else do you expect to win this super awesome giveaway, missy?

So, if you are a faithful reader of The Beautiful Meantime, or just an occasional reader, or heck, even if this is your first and last time to ever read my blog...to enter into the giveaway you must drop me a comment telling me something that you love.

Got it?

A comment about something you LOVE = A chance to win the most awesome giveaway that ever was!

You have till Friday to enter the giveaway. I'll choose a winner Saturday Mornin'! Good Luck!

And all joking aside...I really do appreciate you, readers! Thanks for letting me share my life with you. ;)

I Love...

...well...I just love us!

I love that we have fun spending the day together.

I love that pizza makes us crazy happy.

I love that we believe it's never too late to practice modeling.

I love that we eat ice cream with our whole heart. Even blue ice cream.

I love that we believe it's never too early to practice modeling.

I love that we can never have too many smooches.

I love that we never tire of twirling.

Never.
Ever.

I love that we are not ashamed to groom one another in public.

Yup...I love us.

Thanks for sharing these 14 Lovey days with me. It has been a fruitful exercise for me to be on the lookout for sweet blessings that the Lord gives me each day. Sadly...they are too often over-looked. It has reminded me what a kind and generous and delightful Father I have, and that He knows no end of showing His love!

Happy Valentine's Day!
And I do have a little post-Valentine's Day business to attend to...so check back 'round tomorrow! :)

I Love...

...taking an hour and a book and soakin' it up in the tub.