Work Day in the Cease House

Hey folks!
Still here.  Last week we were at a camp in Livingston with no Internet, and then I had a 3-day Classical Conversations training I had to attend, and now it's moving time around here! We're switching the homeschool room with what was (loosely) set up as the nursery.  We had Braelyn's room and the nursery right together, and then the homeschool room closer to our room, but after thinking about it, I'd rather have the nursery close to our room for those late nights and Braelyn's room and homeschool stuff grouped together. So...lots to work to do this weekend.  Both rooms are quite a mess, and since it looks like we are going to be homeschooling for quite some time, I want to set up the room for real. (Last year, it was just kind of thrown together and nothing special.) We spend A LOT of time in there so I want it to be a fun, pleasant place to be.  So we're painting and organizing and hanging curtains...well, that it to say, I bought fabric and we will hang curtains if I God miraculously blesses me with more sewing skills than I actually possess and I somehow manage to produce a curtain. ;).  Good luck, to me with that! So anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm anxious to continue blogging, especially about some more meaningful things, but due to the tasks at hand I'm afraid the more serious blogging must be put on hold a bit longer.

Thankfully, Casey has a camp in Florida Monday through Friday and the fam is tagging along, so while I'm sunbathing on the beaches of Florida I will try to get in the next chapter of our baby/adoption drama and whatever else I feel like chatting about...there's SO much to catch up on!

So, I hope this post finds you well on this Friday morning. I'm off to "help" in the "moving day" activities! (By help, I mean watch Casey do all of the heavy lifting and painting by himself.) 
Have a great weekend!
See you in sunny Florida!

Chapter 2: The Meltdown

So, it was 2am and for a good 45 minutes, Casey and I sat staring in disbelief at the two strongest, unmistakable red lines that appeared on my pregnancy test.  "Well this cannot be right!" we said.  So, what did we do? Took the other 2 tests in the box, of course. And again...with the two red lines.  The one thing I most wanted to see in this world for the past 4 1/2 years was now looking back at me...and you know what my first thought was?...Oh my God...this is amazing! You know what my second thought was?..."NO! WAIT! God...why are you doing this to me?! Of all the months I've prayed and prayed before now...NOW IS THE TIME YOU CHOOSE? What in the world?!" I was not happy. I was not thankful. I was mad.

Now, I can just hear you.  "But why, Steph?" "This is wonderful news! God answered your prayers! He is pouring out blessing upon blessing," you say. "Why would you be mad, of all things?"

Here's why.  Because adoption is scary. Adoption is hard. Nothing is certain. I wanted to give my whole heart to this new baby that may (or may not...should mom change her mind) come into our lives and our family. I wanted to be ready for anything and everything that came with this baby. 

But how could I fully focus on all that when there was a whole other baby to think about now? 1000 questions ran through my brain.

How do I have a 7 month old and a new born?

Where do we put 2 new babies? Together? Do we put them in separate rooms?

How do I nurse my biological baby when my my adopted baby is crawling into some dangerous senario that I can't think of right now?

How do I homeschool with 2 new babies?...OH MY GOSH! HOMESCHOOL!

What are we gonna do about school?!?!?!?

And on and on it went, until my brain got to this question...

What if I lose this baby like I've lost the 4 babies before this? And it was one of those moments that just took the wind right out of me. I stopped crying. I stopped panicking. I just froze in a numb terror.

I cannot...I absolutely CAN NOT handle adoption and a miscarriage right now! Why would God put me through that, right now? WHY?

Now, I really try hard not to ask God "why?".  Most of the time I feel like I'm pretty clear on our roles and our resumes: "Okay God...well, I graduated from UofH, (thanks for that last football season, btw!) and I made good grades. I taught 1st grade...You know how hard that was, God! We talked a lot about that, so a few points for me there. Been married for 11 years, that's not nothing these days! So, overall, not too shabby.  Okay, so You on the other hand, You created the entire universe out of nothing and You parted the Red Sea...that was a big day...oh and, there was the whole Jonah in the whale thing...You're so creative! And also how You gave Your one and only perfect Son to die...okay, okay, for arguments sake, we'll just say that you're probably more qualified to make this decision, so right...we'll go with your idea."  

RIGHT?! I mean, come on?! Who am I to question HIM?!

But, I'll tell you. That night, I questioned what He was doing. I questioned why He would put me through so much pain when I was just trying to do the right thing? Why was He testing me SO much? What did he have against me?

Casey and I got to the point where we just couldn't think anymore.  Just couldn't cry anymore.  So we did the one thing there was left to do...we begged God for help and strength and understanding.

I have never felt so out of control of my own life ever.  For maybe the first time, I gave up managing and thinking through answers and solutions and rational steps forward.  There was nothing else to do, but to step away from my own life and let God do what He was going to do.  He was obviously doing something.  So there, out of frustration and exhaustion and stubbornness...I handed over the reigns.

When I woke up the next morning, I was still mad and hurt and confused and so very scared...but I was keenly aware that the Lord was working on something here...with me...with my family...with "my" babies...and all He wanted from me was to sit back and watch Him play it out.

What else was there to do? 

Okay...I'm Ready Now (Chapter 1: Our Adoption Story)

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure that all my readers are long gone, but, I'm ready to go back and sift through the last 6 months, if only for myself, and record what has been one of the hardest, strangest,  loneliest, most beautiful, seasons of my whole life. I'm ready to write this little chapter down, and begin celebrating, here, online what God is doing in me and in my family.

I wasn't ready before now.  My heart was hard. I was hurt. And while I wasn't angry at God, distrust had crept in and I was keeping Him at an ever growing distance. So, I did not want to write in my sorrow and dishonor God, nor did I want to pretend I was resting in the goodness of God when in fact I was toiling in self-preservation and isolation and numbness.

But...I'm ready now. The Creator of all things has been knitting back together the torn pieces of my heart.  He has been patient with my grief.  He has haunted me with His presence despite my rejection, and as if He wasn't offering me everything already...well, let's just say...He gives joy in excess and I can only imagine that He laughs at my disbelief, as a father laughs at his children on Christmas morning when, with eyes like saucers they behold the great absurdity of their father's generosity.  The Lord is getting a good chuckle out of me, I assure you.

I'm gonna post our story in chapter chunks.  It's too overwhelming to get it all in one post. So...here we go...

Chapter One:  February & March 2, 2012
You may remember that we, like headless chickens, frantically got our adoption stuff in order back in December. (To jog your memory go here.) After the dust settled from all that, January and February were fairly normal (I think), and we were just waiting for our profile to be seen by birth-moms.  Well, sure enough, towards the end of February our profile was given to a birth-mom and to our great delight and amazement she chose us to be the parents of her baby.  It was crazy! It was happening SO much faster that I imagined it would. Suddenly, this nice idea that had been all theory and rosy expectation was real and had a due date and a mom and a family attached that will hurt because of this decision. And while I couldn't help but feel excited that my prayers were being answered, a healthy dose of fear came with it.  Here I got my first real taste of the seriousness of our decision and that my joy would come at someone else's cost.

So March 2, 2012...without a doubt THE SINGLE MOST CRAZY DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE.  Casey and I woke up that morning to some very unfortunate news, which I cannot share here, but it was a big blow on a day that was supposed to be a great one...it was the day we were to meet our birth-mom.  After picking our jaws up off the floor at the unfortunate news, we put that momentarily aside, got ready for the day and prepared to meet the girl who would change our lives forever.  Around 2pm, with wild, rabid butterflies in our stomachs we went to New Life Adoption Agency and met our birth-mom.

She, we'll call her Tina, was a delightful girl. Very young. Very pretty. Very pregnant.  Her family was there with her, which I was happy to see...they were very supportive of her.  (After walking through the adoption journey, Lord help the girls who walk that road alone! Seriously.  It is unimaginable.) Anyways, our meeting went well.  It seemed that Tina felt more confident in choosing us as her baby's adoptive family, and we couldn't help but adopt her into our hearts as well.  She was a real person...that matters to God...not just a means to an end.  Honestly, I wasn't really prepared to care about her so much, and thus, the emotional tug-of-war that is adoption grew significantly more violent. And there's not just 2 ends on this rope...this rope has an end in every direction.  On one end there's the hope and excitement of a new baby. On another the hurt of not being able to enjoy the baby kicks and the ultrasounds and baby showers and all of that. On another end there's the fear of raising a baby that you didn't give birth to and doesn't look like you. On another there's the fear that the birth-mom will change her mind.  And on yet another end...not wanting this baby to suffer any hurt over being adopted.  I left that meeting, thrilled that it could not have gone better, but also a quite stunned at the difficult journey that the Lord had laid before us. But I believed that Lord had indeed brought us to adoption, to New Life, to Tina...so on we went...in faith.  

But it was still March 2, 2012. The day wasn't over yet.  We went home from our meeting and told friends and family that it couldn't have gone better and that things were looking good for us to have a new baby at the end of the month.  Well, later that evening as Casey and I were on the couch, letting our reality soak in, Casey picked up on some suspicious symptoms...mainly that I was "late".  But, I was thinking nothing of it. You see, every month for 4 1/2 years I'm either "late" or there's some other suspicious symptom that leads me to believe that I'm pregnant. And, without fail these "suspicious symptoms" always end up playing me for the fool, as I'm never actually pregnant, and I begin the whole fiasco again the next month.  This particular month, I noticed them of course, but I refused to give into the dirty tricks my body plays on me..."I'm moving on! I said...putting all that behind me...focusing on adoption.  The end.  Well, my resolve weakened and curiosity got the best of us...as it always does, and in the wee hours of the morning, Casey ran to Walmart. He bought a test. I took the test. Positive. 

Holy Bologna! (That's not what I said.  I said something worse than that, but I'm keeping it clean here at The Beautiful Meantime.) I'm gonna save the emotional meltdown that proceeded this revelation for another post.  But, let me just say...it wasn't pretty. There was snot and ugly crying...the kind where Casey says I look like Julia Roberts (which he doesn't mean as a compliment), and there was hyperventilating and panic and then maybe a little she-had-done-lost-her-mind-for-real crazy laughing. And there were multiple rounds of all of that. And at who-knows-what-o'clock I fell asleep.

March 2, 2012. I will never forget that day as long as I live.  

My Love Affair with Teen Fiction Continues

First it was Harry Potter. Then The Twilight Saga. And yes, now I am not ashamed to say that I have followed the herd straight into the Hunger Games. I. LOVE. IT. I just finished book 1 yesterday.

It was a pretty busy weekend. Prepared for a baby shower Friday. Gave a baby shower Saturday and went out with friends that night. Woke up and went to church on Sunday, followed by a C3 luncheon. By the time I got home Sunday afternoon, I was a bit cranky and a lot a bit tired. Without really thinking, I grabbed my book that I was about 170 pages into...and then, well took most of the evening and knocked that baby out. OMG! I could not put it down!

I hadn't seen much about the movie. Just the trailer where all you see is someone running through the woods...you don't even really see her face. Well, I just watched the real trailer...where you see Katniss, Gale, Prim, Peeta and it builds and builds until right when the games begin. GASP! Amazing! I started tearing up cause the excitement is just so overwhelming. Is anyone with me on this, or is this just me? Cause if it's just me, I am TOTALLY kidding. I hate the book really. If it's not just me then I am TOTALLY serious. ;)

I am anxiously waiting to start the next one, but I really need to do some adoption reading first. Casey will be out of town some this week...never a bad time to start a new book. ;) I do have a little premature anxiety that the series is only a trilogy, however. That means I only have 2 more books (that I will, no doubt fly through) with my new friends from Panem. I'm not alone here too, am I? Right, there's others out there preparing themselves for the I-don't-want-my-book-to-be-over grieving process?

Sigh::::

That's it. I'm a nerd. There's no escaping it. I'll probably go to the movie with my hair braided down my back, smeared with mud, dressed in my tunic with my bow and arrow...like the crazies with the Lord of the Rings.

Awesome.

Well, just wanted to connect with my bloggin' buddies a bit. Also...I've gotten a few questions regarding homeschool and Classical Conversations, specifically. So I'm gonna do a post about our journey with all of that ASAP. Try to this week while the hubs is gone. I will probably have to write that before I start Catching Fire or it's likely that that post will go unwritten. :/

Love,

At This Rate I'll Be Reading Board Books By 40

I Forgot To Do This In August...First Day of School Pics

First Day of School - 2009 (3 Years Old):

First Day of School - 2010 (4 Years Old):

First Day of School - 2011 (5 Years Old)
B's first day of CC. (Classical Conversations is our homeschool group. We do school together every Tuesday.)

Here, we're about to leave for school. I got to be in the-first-day-of-school-picture too cause, well, I go to school right along with her. :)

Sigh:::

Just look how fast she's growing up!

Alright, I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now.

G'Night.

2011 Book List

Well, I didn't get to do as much reading as I would have liked, but what do ya do?

Here's what I managed to finish...

* Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
* Praise Her in the Gates - Nancy Wilson (favorite)
* The Fruit of Her Hands - Nancy Wilson

* Sons and Lovers - D.H. Lawrence
* The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
* The Praying Life - Paul Miller (the other favorite)

* Because He Loves Me - Elyse Fitzpatrick

* Real Life Discipleship - Jim Putman

Some Quick Casita Pics

My favorite room...the kitchen.

Living Room. Not completely finished but, we're getting there.

The floating shelves were my Christmas present. I love them! Especially my little work nook. Can't wait to finish working on this space. For starters, I'm about to paint the "C" a pretty aqua/robin's egg blue color. I'll keep ya posted on our projects.

More pics to come as we get rooms looking more like rooms...and not big blank spaces. But it's gonna take a little time. And money. You know how it is. ;)