Monday, July 2, 2012

Chapter 2: The Meltdown

So, it was 2am and for a good 45 minutes, Casey and I sat staring in disbelief at the two strongest, unmistakable red lines that appeared on my pregnancy test.  "Well this cannot be right!" we said.  So, what did we do? Took the other 2 tests in the box, of course. And again...with the two red lines.  The one thing I most wanted to see in this world for the past 4 1/2 years was now looking back at me...and you know what my first thought was?...Oh my God...this is amazing! You know what my second thought was?..."NO! WAIT! God...why are you doing this to me?! Of all the months I've prayed and prayed before now...NOW IS THE TIME YOU CHOOSE? What in the world?!" I was not happy. I was not thankful. I was mad.

Now, I can just hear you.  "But why, Steph?" "This is wonderful news! God answered your prayers! He is pouring out blessing upon blessing," you say. "Why would you be mad, of all things?"

Here's why.  Because adoption is scary. Adoption is hard. Nothing is certain. I wanted to give my whole heart to this new baby that may (or may not...should mom change her mind) come into our lives and our family. I wanted to be ready for anything and everything that came with this baby. 

But how could I fully focus on all that when there was a whole other baby to think about now? 1000 questions ran through my brain.
How do I have a 7 month old and a new born?
Where do we put 2 new babies? Together? Do we put them in separate rooms?
How do I nurse my biological baby when my my adopted baby is crawling into some dangerous senario that I can't think of right now?
How do I homeschool with 2 new babies?...OH MY GOSH! HOMESCHOOL!
What are we gonna do about school?!?!?!?
And on and on it went, until my brain got to this question...
What if I lose this baby like I've lost the 4 babies before this? And it was one of those moments that just took the wind right out of me. I stopped crying. I stopped panicking. I just froze in a numb terror.

I cannot...I absolutely CAN NOT handle adoption and a miscarriage right now! Why would God put me through that, right now? WHY?

Now, I really try hard not to ask God "why?".  Most of the time I feel like I'm pretty clear on our roles and our resumes: "Okay God...well, I graduated from UofH, (thanks for that last football season, btw!) and I made good grades. I taught 1st grade...You know how hard that was, God! We talked a lot about that, so a few points for me there. Been married for 11 years, that's not nothing these days! So, overall, not too shabby.  Okay, so You on the other hand, You created the entire universe out of nothing and You parted the Red Sea...that was a big day...oh and, there was the whole Jonah in the whale thing...You're so creative! And also how You gave Your one and only perfect Son to die...okay, okay, for arguments sake, we'll just say that you're probably more qualified to make this decision, so right...we'll go with your idea."  

RIGHT?! I mean, come on?! Who am I to question HIM?!

But, I'll tell you. That night, I questioned what He was doing. I questioned why He would put me through so much pain when I was just trying to do the right thing? Why was He testing me SO much? What did he have against me?

Casey and I got to the point where we just couldn't think anymore.  Just couldn't cry anymore.  So we did the one thing there was left to do...we begged God for help and strength and understanding.

I have never felt so out of control of my own life ever.  For maybe the first time, I gave up managing and thinking through answers and solutions and rational steps forward.  There was nothing else to do, but to step away from my own life and let God do what He was going to do.  He was obviously doing something.  So there, out of frustration and exhaustion and stubbornness...I handed over the reigns.

When I woke up the next morning, I was still mad and hurt and confused and so very scared...but I was keenly aware that the Lord was working on something here...with me...with my family...with "my" babies...and all He wanted from me was to sit back and watch Him play it out.

What else was there to do? 


Jessica Dobrodziej said...

Ugh. My heart is aching for you right now! Trust me, you're not the only one who questions Him but the truth is still the truth. He is God and I'm not. :)

Molly Bush said...

I have been following your blog for years now and praying for the Lord to give you a baby.... I love how the Lord works:) now I'm sitting on pins and needles for the rest of the story:) prayers and hugs!

Jenny said...

OH, Steph. Here are some hugs and some prayers going out to you all. Such amazing news, just amazing. Funny, I go through those same thoughts when I am trying to "comprehend" the scope of my dilemmas/heartaches...I tell myself, "HE parted the Red Sea, turned water into wine, etc, and I am wondering what HE can do with ____?" Thank you for filling us in and trusting us with these huge turns in y'alls' road.

Amanda Host said...

Have loved reading your story. Funny how I saw myself in alot of what you said. I went through the SAME thing and thoughts when we were trying so hard to get pregnant and it seemed like everyone else could get pregnant just by looking at each other. Been praying for you guys! Can't wait to see pics of the new little one when she's born!