Thursday, April 21, 2011

Where Have I Been?: Part 1

Okay. I will attempt to explain my recent absence.

40% of my absence was due to laziness. (Brutal honesty. That's what I'm about here.)
25% of my absence was due to baby business. (This evening's topic.)
25% of my absence was due to church planting business. (Lots of denial, sin exposure, and waves of terror to report on there. Should be good.)
10% of my absence was due to other, less serious things that come with pictures.

Okay. So, baby business. This will not be as light-hearted as I would like it to be. While I can laugh at some things now, other things are still very hard and hurtful, and trying to be funny about it just seems stupid. So here's the real deal.

Starting in mid-January I started the first of 3 consecutive rounds of Femara (my Clomid-like fertility drug.) This drug, while surprisingly unsuccessful in assisting my body in getting pregnant, is fantastically successful in making me a basketcase. Generally the month goes like this: On days 4-8 of my cycle I take my little Femara pill. Around day 5 or 6, the crazy starts to set in. I'm very moody. Almost depressed. I have virtually no ability to handle any negative situation. Lots of tears. Lots of tantrums. Lots of "CASEY! I need you to come deal with this RIGHT NOW!" And more seriously, lots of doubting and bitterness and jealousy. But then around day 9 or 10, I start to come around and I remember that I am not insane, that I do love the Lord and my family and that I do enjoy things other than sleeping. So, for about two lovely weeks, peace and normalcy are restored to the household. Just around the time I'm ready to throw down some cash on pregnancy tests, crazy returns. It's PMS times 100. And then of course, adding insult to injury, there's the negative prego test (or the middle finger, as Casey and I unaffectionately call it). It's a long, hard day for me and for Casey. You would think after so many negative tests it would get easier. Somehow, it doesn't.

Anyway, this was round 1. And if I remember correctly, I think round 2 was significantly less crazy. I attribute it to my Valentine's Love posts. I really should have kept those goin'...given myself a little perspective....reminded myself of the countless tender mercies that are new each day...yes, this would have been profoundly beneficial...cause mid-February I started round 3 and a whole new level of crazy came 'round and it lasted THE. WHOLE. MONTH.

Round 3 was awful. And I think I've figured out what is so hard about the drugs. It's know who you are off the drugs, but then you get ON the drugs and you can't quite remember being the person you enjoyed being. The crazy seems SO REAL. You spend the month thinking and believing that you're a sad, depressed person, that you don't like to do things, that your faith is empty, that you're a bad mother and a 1000 other lies that seem so very real. And even though I KNOW I'm on the medicine and I KNOW it makes me crazy, there is still something in me that wonders, "Maybe this is who I really am?" And then...while I'm trying to sort out what is true and what is not, there is one current truth that never fades or wavers or rests: I desperately want a baby and I cannot have one.

So, unfortunately, that's where I've been. That is much of the reason I was away from the blog and emails and the computer in general. I wasn't myself. The Lord and I have done a lot of wrestling over this and other things. I felt that it was best to just stay quiet for a while.

I have been off the meds this month, and am doing well. I can, once again think Biblically about our situation, which is wonderfully reassuring. The Lord loves me. He knows what is best. I trust Him. This is His Kingdom, not mine. It's good to think clearly again.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
therefore I will hope in Him.
Lamentations 3:22-24

He has been patient with me these last months. Despite my hard heart, He has been relentless in calling me back to Himself. I cannot escape Him. And I will never be able to thank Him enough for that.

The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
Psalm 121:8


Terez said...

Oh, Stephanie, I'm so sorry!! I can imagine what a roller coaster ride this all has been. Your faith and steadfastness (even though you may not feel steadfast!) always amaze me and I will be hoping and praying for only great, great things in the coming months for you guys.
All my best,

mandi said...

Oh Steph-
I had wondered if baby business was your reason for silence. I'm just so sorry that you are experiencing this. I am praying for you and that God would reveal His plan to you for growing your precious family.
I love you my friend-

Amy said...


I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I just wanted to let you know that I am reading, and that I am so sorry you are having to walk this difficult, confusing path. I pray that God will give you stillness and rest, even in those very dark moments.