Monday, May 11, 2009

Joy...Regardless

So here's a subject I haven't talked about in a while...getting pregnant. Or rather, not getting pregnant.

Sometime in March or early April, Casey and I went to our official "we've been trying for a year with no success" doctors appointment. Having not been overly impressed with the doctor I had been seeing in College Station, I returned to my trusty Sugar Land OB for this important appointment. I filled her in on the past year and a half and immediately a new little section was created in my file...an infertility section. After we met with her, the process officially began and they took about 15 vials of blood. A few days later, I got a call that there were no problems there. This was good news, but at the same time a little annoying because the mystery of non-conception continued.

The next step was my HSG, the little dye test that identifies any blockage in your fallopian tubes. I had this little procedure about two weeks ago and at first glance everything looked clear. Sure enough, I got the call today...no problems there. Again...good, but a little annoying.

When I was on the phone with the nurse today, I must have asked her 20 different ways if there were any more steps between this and medication. She informed me, 20 different ways, that Clomid was my next available option. UGH! I don't think I'm ready for that yet. It's not that I'm against it or anything, I'm sure we will utilize that option at some point, but I'd like to save that as my last resort, I guess, and I'm not there yet.

Casey has also submitted himself to necessary testing, but we do not have results on that yet. We should find out soon.

So that's where we are. Most days I'm content and grateful. I have been given so much already. I have a beautiful family and in no way does it feel incomplete. But, at the same time I feel like there's room for more in our home and in our hearts, and so I do feel sad when the little home pregnancy test tells me, "Not this month." It's more frustrating than anything, I guess...mostly because this is one situation in which you really have no control whatsoever. The waiting is also very frustrating. So much waiting. Waiting for those little starred dates on the calendar (primetime, as we call it.) Waiting to see two lines or one. And then..waiting to start all over again. It's an exercise in patience, I'll tell you that!

Anyways, just wanted to give a little update on this.
We will continue to try. We will continue to pray.
I believe that there will be more children in our home...so we will wait on God...to bring them how He sees fit. In the mean time, our faith is being tested, which produces steadfastness, according to the Word of God (James 1:3), and so I (and my dear friends who share in this trial) can rejoice and be thankful for that as well. Whether He is creating a new life inside our bodies or testing and strengthening our faith, He is at Work and we will know Him more regardless. He is good, regardless. We will love Him, regardless.

Good Night.

8 comments:

Ashley M said...

praying for you Steph. I know where you are. I know how it feels. I am grateful that you shared this so that we can walk this long journey with you.

love you. also, did you get an unbroken package from me? :)

Alex & Tonya said...

Thanks for sharing Steph. I will be praying.

Brandi said...

as always, praying for you. great perspective. love you.

Casey Cease said...

Amen.

kaytie said...

you have great perspective on this - perspective that can be applied to anything we find ourselves waiting on, knowing that god is much bigger than our circumstances, and at work even when we feel like he's not. continuing to pray each month -

Jenny said...

oh, Steph. I am praying for you in this. I am so proudly the stepmom of two, now preteen girls (have been their stepmom for the last 7 years) but about 5 years ago(after a year and some of marriage) we started trying for another (my first). after three or so months I remember that even tho' I never really celebrated my period, I came to breakdown in tears everytime I knew that time of the month was coming and my period would come yet again. It came and it came for a total of 19 months until, oh so thankfully, I was pregnant with our sweet Sophia now 2 and a half years old. But I have never gotten back on the pill since the year and a half before she was conceived. And we are still hoping and praying for another. The complication for me though, is that because of my pregnancy with Sophia (a very healthy pregnancy), I now have Lupus. The general theory is that the pregnancy triggered the latent response in my nervous system. Now the general professional medical thought is that the Lupus is making it even more difficult for me to get pregnant again. It is a heartache for me though if I am honest with myself. I do so know how completely it is in the Lord's hands and that Sophia, as with every baby, is such a true miracle to me. But I still desire in my heart for another and join with you in hopeful prayers for us both to know that joy of carrying a miracle inside us once again.

Abba's Girl said...

His timing is perfect...and at almost 48 years of age...I know it intellectually and in my heart...no doubts, but waiting can be emotional, difficult, etc...

You are in my prayers...

Love, Annette

Jaime said...

Hi Steph! I have to admit that I have been a secret blog reader of yours for quite some time. I truly enjoy reading your posts. However, since we have moved out of the country, it has been a while since I last checked up. Anywho- I just wanted to let you know that infertility is something that Billy and I have been going through for 4 1/2 years. And, there is tons that you can do before drugs have to enter the picture- acupuncture, diet, etc. If you ever need to chat about it, while I am not exactly an easy phone call away (being in Malaysia)- I am certainly an easy e-mail (or facebook) away. Also- I know you love to read, and a book that truly changed my life was "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. I highly suggest it, if you have not yet read it.