Friday, December 7, 2007

My Life Since The Double Blue Lines

Good evening, it's 12:26 am, and I can't sleep. So, I thought I'd blog and jot down the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing in this second month of pregnancy. This is partly for you, but mostly for me, because I apparently can't remember a single thing from the first time I was pregnant, and if I am so bold as to try this a third time, I want to be able to refer to some notes - reminders that I am NOT going crazy, I'm just pregnant.

Ok, where should I start? The fatigue! That's what triggered our suspicion, in the first place. Over Thanksgiving I slept SO much. I think I mentioned that we stayed at my parent's and in the mornings my sweet mom would come get Braelyn so that Casey and I could keep sleeping. We would sleep till around 10-10:30 everyday. Then on Saturday (after Thanksgiving), it suddenly struck me how tired I was , which made no sense at all considering all the sleeping we had done. Hmmm? Something wasn't right. Adding this to the fact that I was "late," Casey and I scratched our movie plans and pulled into the Walgreen's for the home pregnancy test. We went back to Casey's parent's house, I took the test, and there they were...the double blue lines! "Um, Honey...haha, I think Jesus did some revising to our family plan. Surprise!" I am still in shock, by the way. Anyways, back to the fatigue. I am so tired all the time! Getting up in the morning is the most painful torture. This lasts until about 2:00pm, and then I slowly start speaking and acknowledging others in the house, but that's about it. Then around bed time, I get all wound up and fidgety, and I can't sleep...like tonight...I didn't even nap today!

There's also my lack of motivation to do anything! Lately, I don't feel like doing a darn thing, even the things I usually love - playing with Braelyn, cooking, blogging, going out. And household chores...forget it! We got our Christmas tree on Wednesday, which I had been looking forward to, and then once we got it, I was like, "Oh Lord, now I have to decorate it...maybe I won't decorate the tree this year. Why do I need to decorate what God has already made so beautiful?" Luckily, some friends in our Community group got the lights up for me, so I managed to muster up the strength to hang the ornaments. Thanks Peter!

Those are my the biggest issues, I guess. The only other thing is keeping my thoughts and irrational fears in check, which honestly, I've given this job to Casey. Here are a few:
- Why don't I feel excited about the baby yet?
- I feel like I am already neglecting Braelyn because I never feel well.
- I don't feel ready for Braelyn to have to share my attention with another baby.
- I feel like I'm a pretty good mommy to one baby, but what if I can't manage two?
- What if my baby is a cyclopes?
- I am just now finding things that I enjoy doing by myself (blogging, cooking, sewing, reading). What if I can't do those things anymore once the baby comes?

I know, deep down, it's going to be great. I was equally afraid the first time, and God completely blew me away with His faithfulness. I love being a mom. I love Braelyn more than I could have possible imagined. I am still happily married. I didn't gain 400 pounds. God was good to me then...He will be good again. He always is. If I could just remember!

Good night, ya'll. Thanks for letting me lay it all out. :) And thanks Casey, for the way you are serving me, and blessing me, and showering me with patience. I love you!

8 comments:

Sara Triana said...

Cyclopes baby? You are silly.

Catherine Haskew said...

Thank you so much for your honesty Steph. And I am so glad you are keeping records of your pregnancy...it's making me less scared for when I go through it :) I love you and anytime you need a little pick me up or relief we are here for you!!

Jessica King said...

I concur with Catherine. It's good to hear real honesty about being pregnant. It helps those of us who have not gone through it just yet. Keep it up!
We're praying for you guys!

the hungarian said...

Yea, I had some of the same thoughts and fears. But after baby #3, my fears are "did I brush teeth today, am i wearing deoderant, do i have a bra on?" :) Don't worry, the mommy heart always has room for one more..

christina cokenour

Morgan said...

i am pretty sure your baby wouldn't be a cyclopes! ha ha you are funny. i know you will be a great mom to two babies! and any more God may bring your way...

Melanie said...

Congratulations!! We are so excited for you guys! :)

Going from one to two is a big transition. I remember saying to Tim one day, "oh my goodness, WHAT DID WE GET OURSELVES INTO??" But then you learn how to balance life with two just like you did when you had the first one!

Tim and I will be praying for you guys. I know how tough this first trimester can be. At times I remember feeling like the worst mommy in the world because all I wanted to do was sleep but the girls needed my attention and Tim was at work. Some days all I could do was pop in a video and lay on the couch and watch them play. It was grueling, but thank goodness it does end and you'll start feeling like your old self again! :)

I'm praying for ya girlie! :)

Jenny said...

Steph

Thank you for the sweet blog note. And, belated congratulations! What a precious blessing. I will be praying for you. David and I are trying for another. It took us so long (almost two years)before little Sophia so that I have a little more hopeful patience this time around. Thank you for sharing. Oh also, I just love Jane Austen. Thanks for your book reviews. I am next going to read A Walk with Jane Austen written by a Christian author (Lori Smith) who took a journey to Jane's England and had an Austenesque adventure of her own. Oh! I hope you and Casey have a wonderful Austin trip too.

Erin said...

Oooh, I see that you're reading "Shepherding a Child's Heart". I'd love to know what you think!! Also, I FINALLY got the Dickens book! Have you finished it?