My Life Since The Double Blue Lines

Good evening, it's 12:26 am, and I can't sleep. So, I thought I'd blog and jot down the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing in this second month of pregnancy. This is partly for you, but mostly for me, because I apparently can't remember a single thing from the first time I was pregnant, and if I am so bold as to try this a third time, I want to be able to refer to some notes - reminders that I am NOT going crazy, I'm just pregnant.

Ok, where should I start? The fatigue! That's what triggered our suspicion, in the first place. Over Thanksgiving I slept SO much. I think I mentioned that we stayed at my parent's and in the mornings my sweet mom would come get Braelyn so that Casey and I could keep sleeping. We would sleep till around 10-10:30 everyday. Then on Saturday (after Thanksgiving), it suddenly struck me how tired I was , which made no sense at all considering all the sleeping we had done. Hmmm? Something wasn't right. Adding this to the fact that I was "late," Casey and I scratched our movie plans and pulled into the Walgreen's for the home pregnancy test. We went back to Casey's parent's house, I took the test, and there they were...the double blue lines! "Um, Honey...haha, I think Jesus did some revising to our family plan. Surprise!" I am still in shock, by the way. Anyways, back to the fatigue. I am so tired all the time! Getting up in the morning is the most painful torture. This lasts until about 2:00pm, and then I slowly start speaking and acknowledging others in the house, but that's about it. Then around bed time, I get all wound up and fidgety, and I can't sleep...like tonight...I didn't even nap today!

There's also my lack of motivation to do anything! Lately, I don't feel like doing a darn thing, even the things I usually love - playing with Braelyn, cooking, blogging, going out. And household chores...forget it! We got our Christmas tree on Wednesday, which I had been looking forward to, and then once we got it, I was like, "Oh Lord, now I have to decorate it...maybe I won't decorate the tree this year. Why do I need to decorate what God has already made so beautiful?" Luckily, some friends in our Community group got the lights up for me, so I managed to muster up the strength to hang the ornaments. Thanks Peter!

Those are my the biggest issues, I guess. The only other thing is keeping my thoughts and irrational fears in check, which honestly, I've given this job to Casey. Here are a few:
- Why don't I feel excited about the baby yet?
- I feel like I am already neglecting Braelyn because I never feel well.
- I don't feel ready for Braelyn to have to share my attention with another baby.
- I feel like I'm a pretty good mommy to one baby, but what if I can't manage two?
- What if my baby is a cyclopes?
- I am just now finding things that I enjoy doing by myself (blogging, cooking, sewing, reading). What if I can't do those things anymore once the baby comes?

I know, deep down, it's going to be great. I was equally afraid the first time, and God completely blew me away with His faithfulness. I love being a mom. I love Braelyn more than I could have possible imagined. I am still happily married. I didn't gain 400 pounds. God was good to me then...He will be good again. He always is. If I could just remember!

Good night, ya'll. Thanks for letting me lay it all out. :) And thanks Casey, for the way you are serving me, and blessing me, and showering me with patience. I love you!